Good. Not safe.

I’m going to be really honest. Life has been incredibly hard these last few months. I feel like every part of me has shaken – friendships, family, work..you name it and there’s been tension. I was talking over some pretty heavy stuff with one of my roommates the other day, and she suggested that I read a chapter out of a book called Spoken For by Robin Jones Gunn and Alyssa Joy Bethke. I’m not much of a reader, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to read one chapter. So I picked up the book and flipped to the dog-eared page that she left for me. It is decidedly well written, with a few nice stories and some solid biblical truths. I felt generally pleasant about the chapter..then I made it to the last two pages, and it kind of wrecked me. In those last pages, Alyssa was remembering a portion of C.S. Lewis’ book, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, when Lucy and Susan asked Mr. & Mrs. Beaver to tell them about Aslan. They found out that he was lion, and asked if he was safe, admitting that they were nervous to meet a lion. Mr. Beaver’s response is still lingering in my mind: “Who said anything about being safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

God isn’t safe. God isn’t safe. God isn’t safe. That simple phrase replayed over and over in my head as I tried to wrap my head around what that meant. To me, and in this stage of my life, it means that choosing to follow God is not safe, comfortable, or predictable. I’m not guaranteed to always be happy and live without hurt or pain. I can’t predict what is coming next in life, and I’m surely not guaranteed to walk this earth without struggle.

But he is good. I know that. I’ve been taught that all my life, and I can probably recite a few cliché scriptures about God’s goodness if asked. Yet, in contrast to God not being safe, the truth of his goodness takes on a whole new meaning. It means that I can always trust that there is something going on beyond the stormy surface. He is using it to make me strong. He is using it to make me holy. He is using it to reveal His grace. He doesn’t allow the storm and then turn His back – He is there with me in the midst of it. 

What has amazed me through these hard times is how steady God is. No matter what’s happening today, no matter which area of life is stressing me at a particular time, I can always turn to Christ and He is there waiting to listen to me, and wanting to speak to me. There’s nothing that can separate me from Him. That’s pretty incredible! God has been reminding me lately that He is my constant. Even if everything in life turns upside down, I can count on Him being in the same place, continuing to love me and comfort me.

See, he’s not safe. But he is good.

He is constant. 

The Lord Will Answer

God taught me a lesson today, and I thought I would share it here.

So I’ve found that I have some of my best prayer times while driving. I am by myself in the car for an hour or more each day as I drive to work, and that’s a perfect time for me to spend with God. Sometimes it gets intense and I wonder what other people think when they see me crying and pounding on my steering wheel while driving down the road. It’s kind of comical. But it’s so good.

This morning I was praying for my family on my way to work. I’ll be honest, I was actually quite distracted and mostly going through the motions in my prayer. I certainly wasn’t looking for an crazy spiritual moment. I prayed for my parents and for my sister. But as I was praying for my brother, God surprised me. He spoke to me about my brother, in exact response to what has been weighing on my heart for the last few months.

This is when the lesson for the day was learned. I shouldn’t have been surprised that God was speaking to me, especially about something that I’ve been praying about for so long. I think it’s too easy to lose faith that God hears our prayers, cares about them, and will answer them in His timing. But he is faithful. He will answer our prayers. I kind of chuckled to myself as I was getting out of the car; after months of praying this particular prayer, God’s timing for His response was a moment when I wasn’t even looking for it.

Through that moment, He taught me to always expect a response. Don’t stop asking if you aren’t hearing the answer; keep asking because God can and will answer.

“Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am'”
Isaiah 58:9

End-Of-Summer Random

Well.. needless to say, my sleep study didn’t work out. I love sleeping too much to deny myself the pleasure of eight, nine, or even ten hours a night.

It makes me sad that I can’t use the “School Stuff” Category anymore for my blog posts. I do miss school. I also have a lot of regrets about school.

I feel myself getting girlier as my life goes on. For example, I used to hate painting my nails and now I do so multiple times a week. (that is also due to the fact that I am obsessive and it really bothers me when I get a chip in my nail color)

I started reading a book about my favorite tennis player – Rafa! Reading about other peoples lives intrigues me.

I’m being stretched a lot in life right now. It’s good but still very hard. I was talking to a friend about it last week. We agreed that ministry is difficult but, oh, so worth it.

My recent addictions: Taco Bell bean burritos and speaking in a British accent. Sometimes both together.

A friend from work asked me to help her plan an engagement party. I’m excited but have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

I’m so tired of politics. Every morning at work my co-workers watch Good Morning America and they love to talk about the same political blah blah blah over and over. It really bothers me. I don’t feel like there’s anyone in any form of government that truly has my interests at heart; it’s all just a game. I really don’t like being deceived. It’s one of my least favorite things in life. So because of that (and also that I think our government has gotten too big to be effective) I am tired of politics.

I’ve discovered that my best prayer sessions happen while driving. For some reason it works for me. My friend says he likes spending time at airports because he hears God clearer. Same thing with me and driving.

My mom and I have gotten into watching movie series. We started with Harry Potter and then Back to the Future. Next I think we’re going to watch Star Wars and then the Mission Impossible series before the new ones comes out in December. Can you believe I had never seen any of these movies? (with the exception of two Star Wars movies)

Last night we started a new Bible study at church about Jonah. We’re going to talk about how interruptions in life are often God’s way of leading us in a new direction. So I started thinking about interruptions I’ve had in my life, and what has become of them. It’s so cool to be on the other side and realize what God had working. And I’m anxious to delve more into the study.

Well, that’s all. My monthly blog quota has thus been fulfilled. Amen.

Themes in Life

I spent last week as a cabin leader for CBC’s kids camp. It was awesome. Different from last year, but not bad. Just different. I felt I really got to connect with the kids and the other leaders as well. I can’t wait until Super Sunday Night when we get to be together again!

God has a sort of theme running through the words he speaks to me. I have such a burden for the younger generation, and I feel like God constantly reminds me that I need to be a good example. More than anything else, I am to live my life as a testimony to others. I was reminded of this at camp last week. I found myself getting frustrated at the games and the fact that we weren’t winning any. I also caught myself checking facebook or my text messages every time we went back to the cabin. I have to admit, there was a song or two during worship that I didn’t want to give 100% to. But in each case, there was a gentle reminder that those girls were watching everything I did. As the adult and leader, I held a lot of influence over what their camp experience was like. That was very humbling to realize.

Coming home and going back to “normal life” wasn’t very easy. The thing I dreaded the most was going back to work. I actually enjoyed work the week before camp, but the thought of going back to the same old job with the same old people wasn’t in the least bit exciting. I got a taste of where I feel like I might end up sometime in life and it ruined my appetite for anything else. At one point earlier this week, I was about 75% tempted to just quit then, before I had another job lined up. I didn’t. But I wanted to. Then God brought that theme back – be a good example. Even though I hated the thought of being there for another day, I was challenged to be there with joy. I was reminded of the verse in Colossians, “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” And working for God was so much easier than working for JCP!

I’m still not totally resolved on the work issue, but I’m working on it. 🙂 I rearranged my room yesterday, and that seems to have given me a sort of new beginning. Praise God for new beginnings.

Calling Colleen

I haven’t blogged in a while. Okay, in a very long time. I usually like to have an idea in my mind before I sit down to develop it on the blog screen. And, to be frank, I haven’t had many thoughts worth sharing lately. Until right now.

I was reading my Bible one day and came to the part in the book of Judges when God calls Gideon. God clearly says he is going to be used to save Israel, but Gideon does not believe right away. First he makes excuses, “How can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest … I am the least in my father’s house.” Gideon then asks for signs and God gives him three signs of confirmation of his calling. Three!

As I was reading this interaction between God and his chosen, I was reminded so much of myself. I remember the exact night when God began revealing to my what my calling is. I did the same thing Gideon did – I explained it away. I am too young or not holy enough or I don’t have enough connections… My excuses didn’t take away from God’s plan, however. He continued to speak to me and other people confirmed the word multiple times. Yet I kept asking for confirmation. I kept needing signs.

I was prophesied over at church a month ago today. Everything that was said by those pastors and leaders was something God had already been speaking to me, whether it was recently or something he had been speaking for five years. It was so incredible to hear those confirmations come one right after another. I felt like God was saying, “Okay, Colleen, I need you to get it this time. I need you to follow my direction now.” I felt like Gideon probably did. After asking for so many confirmations on God’s word, he had to make the decision to obey and continue to listen to God as led Israel to defeat the Midianites. Now, I’m not called to battle opposing nations, but the realization has soaked in that I have been called to a lot. God has a lot up his sleeve.

And I’m excited about it. For a long time I was timid and nervous. But why should I shy away from something that the Lord of all is asking me to walk into? Sure, it’s big and a little overwhelming, but God is faithful to grow me into it. He’s not leaving me to figure it out by myself.

A verse in Ephesians caught my attention about a year and a half ago. Ephesians 4:1, “Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” Pastor Doug used to always say, “You have to be what you’re supposed to be before you can do what you’re supposed to do.” This means so much to me as I grow into my calling. God was (is) preparing me for what I will become. He’s working on a lot of things in my heart and in my life. It’s hard and sometimes I just don’t want to change. But he’s refining me and preparing me for what is coming next.

 

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.”
Psalm 138:8

Culture

Yesterday in class my professor asked us all to do an exercise. She took us to take a few minutes and write down words that represent our culture. At the end of the allotted time, she asked us to share a couple of our words, if we were comfortable, and she compiled a list on the whiteboard. The words that came up were all about American culture. Consumerism. Individualistic. Convenient foods. Busy. Academics. Plastic Surgery. Ethnocentrism. These all have a negative connotation. And we spent a good deal of time talking about these aspects of “America” and how they compare to other cultures around the world.

During this discussion in class, I sat in silence. I am aware of all of these things, yet I don’t necessarily consider them my culture. The only one that was on both my list and the class list was Academics (Learning). What I wrote down for my culture were things like: Love. Kindness. Relational. Church. Friends. Coffee. Soccer. Giving. Willingness. Football. Support. Only one thing on my list was negative (which was “Struggle,” but I immediately wrote “Helpfulness” after it, realizing that even though I sometimes struggle, I have wonderful people around me who are willing to help me out and walk with me through it).

It really hit me yesterday how amazing Church culture is. I love that my church recognizes needs within its people and addresses them so specifically with All Things New classes. I love that I can meet somebody new every week who is kind and loving. I love that I can volunteer by teaching that person’s children to love Jesus. I love that my friends are not afraid to hold me to high standards. I love that I am taught to give willingly and openly. I love that my pastor is an amazingly wise man of God and that he is widely respected. All of these things create such an extraordinary culture to be considered a part of.

As I sat there, silently, in class, I was overcome with thankfulness. I got so excited that I am incredibly blessed. We are incredibly blessed.

Potpourri

I would like to be a more consistent blogger. A few months ago (maybe six) I planned to be a more consistent tweeter. That’s going well, I think. So blogging is my next project.

I wrote in my last post that God had been working on me a lot. That is still true. (yes, I just linked to myself.)

I’ve been listening to Beth Moore read her book, “So Long, Insecurity” and loving every second of it. She’s amazing.

I wrote in my journal the other day about how hard it is to wait for something. I feel like in today’s culture we are taught to expect changes to happen immediately. Yet, I’ve realized that probably the most important changes are the ones that take time. The Bible is littered with waiting.

Beth (yes, we are on a first-name basis) said something in her book that really caught my attention. She said, “Be careful not to give too much credence to the old adage that time heals. It’s God that heals. Time only tells.” What a good word. Realizing my insecurities and just sitting here reflecting on them does nothing. Realizing them and seeking healing from God is what will ultimately make the difference. Even if it takes time.

I almost can’t believe that it’s back-to-school time. Many schools started this week and the rest start next week. It’s weird that my sister is the only one of us in high school. Soon my parents will have a high schooler, a college student, and a grad student (or a college grad…let’s not talk about what I’m doing after graduation. That can of worms can wait.)

My sister and I just watched all three of the Matrix movies. Not in one day – spread over the course of two weeks probably. It’s weird, I know, but I gravitate toward bad actors. Keanu Reeves. Brendan Fraser. All of the woman in this post. There’s just something lovable about them.

Mostly I just wanted to hit on all of my “categories” in one post. I think that did the trick. 🙂

This is how my mind works lately. I have a lot going on in my heart and in my head that I have to just sit back and watch The Matrix or belt out a little Justin Bieber.

This is also the first time I’ve used links. mmm I like it. Maybe next time I’ll venture to pictures.

I am genuinely afraid of playing indoor soccer again. Lord, help us.

Blurry

I’ve been meaning to blog for the last week or so, I just can’t seem to create anything cohesive. Life is so different for me than it was only a month ago. And, really, it’s only because of a change in attitude and a change of heart. God is doing something big in me and it’s kind of rocking my world. (By “rocking my world” I mean literally rocking me.. turning everything upside down.. not the “you rock my world!” kind of statement.)

It’s not bad. No, in fact it’s really really good.

I’ve noticed something, though. This last month has been somewhat blurry. The days run together; I thought last Thursday was actually Friday and I spent all of Monday thinking it was Tuesday. It takes me a moment to remember when the last time I saw my friends was or how many days it’s been since I was at church. Time seems to stretch, yet condense at the same time. My eating habits are crazy – let’s not even go there. I don’t think I’ve ever quite experienced this before.

That’s how I know something big is happening. It’s been a long time coming for God to heal this part of me. He is also revealing a lot about who I am and what He has spoken over me. This is so good. I’m excited to see where it takes me and my relationships.

Older and Better

It’s funny how quickly things can change.

At Cory and Ashley’s wedding last night I saw a few people that I haven’t really gotten to talk to since high school. I suddenly became aware that I am such a different person now than I was four years ago. A good different. We are adults now! I mean, Cory’s married, Jenen has an adorable little three-year-old boy, Nick is off leading missions trips…wow. It got me reflecting on all of the things that have shaped the person I’ve become since graduation in 2006.

Sometimes I really miss the “High School Colleen.” I loved high school and would gladly relive those years, if given the chance. But when I truly think about it, I like the 2010 version of me even better. I’ve learned how to be a better friend, an efficient leader, and a hard worker. I’ve also learned to give God more room in my life; that challenges me and even changes things.

Amanda Ankeny posted this quote from Nelson Mandela as her facebook status a couple days ago: “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” I feel like I lived this quote last night. It was good.

I was also reminded of something that happened at Kids Camp this year. During chapel on the last night of camp, we took some time to pray for healing. It was a beautiful picture to stand back and watch 4th-6th graders praying over each other and laying on hands for healing. It was even more powerful to grab them by the hands and pray for them myself. We also prayed over leaders. A new friend of mine, Amanda, had shared some of her story with me the day before and I knew she had issues with her back. So I began praying over her, as did a few other leaders. Next thing I know, Pastor Jeremy is next to me, mic in hand, asking if I will pray for Amanda into the microphone. That was so foreign to me! But I did. I grabbed that microphone and I prayed my hardest over her. I couldn’t even tell you what I prayed. I just know that a wave of compassion crashed over me and I felt for her. I was crying and praying and probably yelling.

I was reminded of this moment because the High School Colleen would have been terrified in that moment at camp. She would have been worried about what everyone else was thinking about her prayer, especially with pastors other church leaders in the room. She would have over-thought the prayer and made it more of a speech than a cry to God.

I believe God chose that moment specifically to show me a change. That yes, the past was good. But the future he has is even better. He really is molding me into the woman I can only imagine being. That is exciting. I said it once and I’ll say it again: I like change.

The Cosmos

I am a firm believer in the statement, “change is good.” I’ve come to realize that as I continue to put my trust in God, I am less and less afraid of change. The way my life is right now is perfectly fine – until a shift happens. Then the new direction is good. I actually kind of like how life is unpredictable.

Lately I have been obsessed with astronomy. I could sit for hours looking through Hubble Space Telescope photos or reading about the Andromeda Galaxy. Consequently, I do spend hours reading my newest geeky book! I’m overwhelmingly obsessed with The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. He is the man that wrote The Case for Christ and The Case for Faith – both of which I have read. This book is easily my favorite of the three because it is forcing me to think about things I have been avoiding.

For as long as I can remember, I have hated the Big Bang and evolution discussions. I couldn’t figure out how I could reconcile this scientific data with my faith, so I pushed it all away. Then, when I took a philosophy course during my junior year at SPU (UCOR 3000), I had no choice but to confront the discussion. (Luckily Dr. McDonald was a very likable man, otherwise I probably would have grumbled my way through that entire class.) Still, though, I refused to believe that the Big Bang was even a possible explanation for the beginning of the universe. I was so frustrated and needed something to help me reconcile these seemingly opposing sides, so I purchased Mr. Strobel’s book. I read a chapter and a half and then became too busy to delve much further into it.

As I was learning about cosmology this term, I became re-interested. I began The Case for a Creator from the beginning and now I can’t seem to put it down. His writing is highly technical, which I quite enjoy. He is interviewing leading physicists, biologists, and theologians! One of my favorite parts is that I can understand what they are talking about – these are concepts that I’ve been learning in my science classes! It’s very interesting to see how differently atheists and Christians use the same scientific information.

For example, atheists have commonly used the concept of the Big Bang as proof that the universe happened by random chance, not by a creator. However, a fairly simple philosophical argument helps explain that that is far from the truth:

The kalam argument:

• Whatever begins to exist has a cause.
• The universe began to exist.
• Therefore, the universe has a cause.

I am halfway through this book and…wow. This is where I must acknowledge change. My opinions are changing and my faith is changing. So it’s not all scientific crap that I have to pretend doesn’t exist – what I am learning actually points toward my God.

I love this quote by Sir John Templeton, “Would it not be strange if a universe without purpose accidentally created humans who were so obsessed with purpose?”