Hurt

I have this hurt that I try desperately to suppress. It has a tendency to flare up at quite terrible moments, consuming my thoughts and actions. This hurt makes life miserable for periods of time. It affects my relationships the most, which hurts me even more.

I’ve never quite figured out how to heal my hurt. Instead, I deal with it as best I know how until it is hidden again. It sits in me, sleeping, until another situation rises that awakens it. Then I am forced to deal with the pain all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that really just builds hurt on top of hurt.

I feel completely broken. It’s a loneliness so great that it makes me feel insignificant to anyone. I have a number of great friends around me yet the hurt won’t allow me to believe they care. I surround myself with busyness yet the hurt slows down time; the days feel like weeks.

What I desire most in my life at this moment is a healing for my hurt. Not a temporary fix, but a life-changing moment that destroys the pain altogether. Only Christ can heal me. I’m ready.

Older and Better

It’s funny how quickly things can change.

At Cory and Ashley’s wedding last night I saw a few people that I haven’t really gotten to talk to since high school. I suddenly became aware that I am such a different person now than I was four years ago. A good different. We are adults now! I mean, Cory’s married, Jenen has an adorable little three-year-old boy, Nick is off leading missions trips…wow. It got me reflecting on all of the things that have shaped the person I’ve become since graduation in 2006.

Sometimes I really miss the “High School Colleen.” I loved high school and would gladly relive those years, if given the chance. But when I truly think about it, I like the 2010 version of me even better. I’ve learned how to be a better friend, an efficient leader, and a hard worker. I’ve also learned to give God more room in my life; that challenges me and even changes things.

Amanda Ankeny posted this quote from Nelson Mandela as her facebook status a couple days ago: “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” I feel like I lived this quote last night. It was good.

I was also reminded of something that happened at Kids Camp this year. During chapel on the last night of camp, we took some time to pray for healing. It was a beautiful picture to stand back and watch 4th-6th graders praying over each other and laying on hands for healing. It was even more powerful to grab them by the hands and pray for them myself. We also prayed over leaders. A new friend of mine, Amanda, had shared some of her story with me the day before and I knew she had issues with her back. So I began praying over her, as did a few other leaders. Next thing I know, Pastor Jeremy is next to me, mic in hand, asking if I will pray for Amanda into the microphone. That was so foreign to me! But I did. I grabbed that microphone and I prayed my hardest over her. I couldn’t even tell you what I prayed. I just know that a wave of compassion crashed over me and I felt for her. I was crying and praying and probably yelling.

I was reminded of this moment because the High School Colleen would have been terrified in that moment at camp. She would have been worried about what everyone else was thinking about her prayer, especially with pastors other church leaders in the room. She would have over-thought the prayer and made it more of a speech than a cry to God.

I believe God chose that moment specifically to show me a change. That yes, the past was good. But the future he has is even better. He really is molding me into the woman I can only imagine being. That is exciting. I said it once and I’ll say it again: I like change.